Qualities admired in another from far away can be threatening as that person approaches, according to UB research

Newswise, November 2, 2015 — What people believe they want and what they might actually prefer are not always the same thing. And in the case of being outperformed as an element of romantic attraction, the difference between genuine affinity and apparent desirability becomes clearer as the distance between two people gets smaller.

In matters of relative performance, distance influences attraction. For example, someone of greater intelligence seems attractive when they’re distant or far away in your mind. But less so when that same person is right next to you, according to a new study by a University at Buffalo-led research team published in the latest edition of the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 

“We found that men preferred women who are smarter than them in psychologically distant situations. Men rely on their ideal preferences when a woman is hypothetical or imagined,” said Lora Park, associate professor in the UB Department of Psychology and the study’s principal investigator.

“But in live interaction, men distanced themselves and were less attracted to a woman who outperformed them in intelligence.”

Previous research has shown that similarities between individuals can affect attraction. This new set of studies suggests that psychological distance — whether someone is construed as being near or far in relation to the self — plays a key role in determining attraction.

“It’s the distinction between the abstract and the immediate,” says Park. “There is a disconnect between what people appear to like in the abstract when someone is unknown and when that same person is with them in some immediate social context.”

Even though the research focus of the current study was on romantic attraction and, specifically, men’s interest in women, Park says the result might potentially be a broader phenomenon, extending to other interpersonal situations.

“That’s a question for future research,” she said. “But presumably, anyone who is outperformed by someone close to them might feel threatened themselves.

“We just happened to look at men in a romantic dating context.”

Park’s team conducted six separate studies involving 650 young adult subjects. The studies ranged from presenting subjects with hypothetical women, to women they expected to meet, to actually engaging in an interpersonal interaction.

“In each case, how much you like someone or how much you are attracted to them is affected by how intelligent that person is relative to you and how close that person is relative to you,” said Park.

But the area of performance has to be something important to the individual.

“The domain matters,” says Park. “If you don’t care about the domain, you might not be threatened. Yet, if you care a lot about the domain, then you might prefer that quality in somebody who is distant, then feel threatened when that person gets close to you.”

Ten Secrets to a Long and Happy Marriage

Newswise, September 10, 2015 – While all too many marriages end in divorce, many couples achieve long and happy unions.

Based on what he has learned during 35 years in the field, Loyola University Health System psychologist Michael Hakimi, PsyD, offers these 10 tips for achieving a successful marriage:

Love your spouse unconditionally. Be generous in expressing your love, even when there is an issue. Always remember what attracted you to each other in the first place, and keep these feelings alive. In words and actions, make your spouse feel very special. Commit yourself 100 percent.

Communicate with kind words and compassion. Avoid harsh criticism and blaming. Never neglect to say “Thank you” and “I’m sorry.” Express gratitude and appreciation for any act of kindness, service or good will. Establish a relationship that is based on honesty and mutual respect.

Place the interests and welfare of your spouse above those of your own.

Be faithful to your spouse, and make love as often as you both are in the mood.

Provide for the needs of your spouse to the best of your ability.

Listen carefully and try to understand what your spouse is saying.

Take your spouse’s opinion into consideration before making any important decision.

Work to overcome the undesirable traits in your own personality and behavior.

Continually seek ways to become a better husband, wife or parent.

Follow the Golden Rule: Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.

Dr. Hakimi is an assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neurosciences of Loyola University Chicago Stritch School of Medicine.

Women are More Likely than Men to Initiate Divorces

Newswise, August 24, 2015 — CHICAGO — Women are more likely than men to initiate divorces, but women and men are just as likely to end non-marital relationships, according to a new study that will be presented at the 110th Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association (ASA).

“The breakups of non-marital heterosexual relationships in the U.S. are quite gender neutral and fairly egalitarian,” said study author Michael Rosenfeld, an associate professor of sociology at Stanford University. “This was a surprise because the only prior research that had been done on who wanted the breakup was research on marital divorces.”

Rosenfeld’s analysis relies on data from the 2009-2015 waves of the nationally representative How Couples Meet and Stay Together survey. He considers 2,262 adults, ages 19 to 94, who had opposite sex partners in 2009. By 2015, 371 of these people had broken up or gotten divorced.

As part of his analysis, Rosenfeld found that women initiated 69 percent of all divorces, compared to 31 percent for men. In contrast, there was not a statistically significant difference between the percentage of breakups initiated by unmarried women and men, regardless of whether they had been cohabitating with their partners.

Social scientists have previously argued that women initiate most divorces because they are more sensitive to relationship difficulties. Rosenfeld argues that were this true, women would initiate the breakup of both marriages and non-marital relationships at equal rates.

“Women seem to have a predominant role in initiating divorces in the U.S. as far back as there is data from a variety of sources, back to the 1940s,” Rosenfeld said.

“I assumed, and I think other scholars assumed, that women’s role in breakups was an essential attribute of heterosexual relationships, but it turns out that women’s role in initiating breakups is unique to heterosexual marriage.”

Perhaps women were more likely to initiate divorces because, as Rosenfeld found, married women reported lower levels of relationship quality than married men. In contrast, women and men in non-marital relationships reported equal levels of relationship quality.

Rosenfeld said his results support the feminist assertion that some women experience heterosexual marriage as oppressive or uncomfortable.

“I think that marriage as an institution has been a little bit slow to catch up with expectations for gender equality,” Rosenfeld said.

“Wives still take their husbands’ surnames, and are sometimes pressured to do so. Husbands still expect their wives to do the bulk of the housework and the bulk of the childcare.

"On the other hand, I think that non-marital relationships lack the historical baggage and expectations of marriage, which makes the non-marital relationships more flexible and therefore more adaptable to modern expectations, including women’s expectations for more gender equality.”

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About the American Sociological Association
The American Sociological Association (www.asanet.org), founded in 1905, is a non-profit membership association dedicated to serving sociologists in their work, advancing sociology as a science and profession, and promoting the contributions to and use of sociology by society.






The paper, “Who Wants the Breakup? Gender and Breakup in Heterosexual Couples,” will be presented on Saturday, Aug. 22, at 8:30 a.m. CDT in Chicago at the American Sociological Association’s 110th Annual Meeting.